His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
