mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.