i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut