I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
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I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
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He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk