I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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