Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
