Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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