god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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