I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
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Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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