Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
