Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
29 Times Beach Sex Ended With Sand In All The Wrong Places
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.