11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos