This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
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My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
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He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.