who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
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I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
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If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT