I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!