I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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