I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
i out mim tonsoeep
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
