All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
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We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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