hotel room ftw
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
