First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me