This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
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I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
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So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it