Got a toothbrush?
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I cut my penus on the lid.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.