I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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