My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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