If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed