The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b