my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.