so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
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Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
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My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.