i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!