Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.