He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
