dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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