I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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