I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
worst night to have a conscience
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
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please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
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Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms