Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
He felt like a one man threesome
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately