What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
