I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Randomize
