Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
