I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
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The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
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He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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