I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
We need to get me chipped asap
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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