I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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