Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Randomize
