I accidentally had phone sex last night
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
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His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
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All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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