Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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