Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
