She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I don't deserve a penis
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
