So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
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I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
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Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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