i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
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you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
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Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though