so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
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I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
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You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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