Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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