yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
This is sufficient.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???