I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
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Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
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You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets