dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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