I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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