I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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