I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.