"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
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she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
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So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out