I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
She has the best kind of daddy issues
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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