Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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