Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.