my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed