the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."