i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
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oh and then you called a time out with your penis
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
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Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.