3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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