Even water is tasting like jack daniels
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
