I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
