he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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